So, I thought I would get severe writer’s block if I tried to write blog entries but, now I’ve started this one, I can’t seem to stop…
My book is finally in the very last stages of the publishing process (the cover design, page layout etc are all being completed for the launch date in a few weeks). I feel more and more excited as we get closer and closer to the book launch date at the end of March!
While I’m feeling excited about everything book-wise, I’m also feeling very lost in myself right now. I do not regret taking time off to write my book; I know I would’ve always regretted it if I didn’t immortalise my story into words.
Whilst I had used the time in my career-break to put my story onto paper, physically publishing a book is a very long process. I’ve looked into simultaneously working part-time, but I honestly don’t feel like I’ll ever be capable of doing this. Any new information my brain tries to learn or hold onto simply leaks straight out of my ears.
Part-time work seems to be the worst thing for me: I have less time to process supposedly ‘easy’ information, so I simply forget it. It’s an odd and upsetting feeling realising that I should know something that’s already been explained over and over again to me, but I simply have no recollection of ever being told or shown that information in the first place.
I debated going back to a retail job like I had at uni, but I don’t know if people would ever take me seriously. Why would anyone with a Master’s degree want to be a shop assistant again, especially after so many years?
I’ve had three job interviews for other roles which have all led to nothing; I’ve also had countless email rejections of my written applications for roles, even before I’ve got anywhere close to an interview. Each rejection only gets more and more disheartening. I’ve been honest with lots of recruiters and explained that I have had a brain injury… I’m sure you can imagine how many people have called back after that.
Even friends don’t seem to understand. Because I am capable of having a ‘normal’ conversation, or going out for meals, or shopping, or having a few drinks, I feel like people question why I’m not working.
I was working in a financial role before the accident, so people have asked why I don’t look for other stuff down that sort of route. I couldn’t think anything worse for me. I do genuinely feel like some people even look at me as ‘lazy’. I don’t know if this is me just overthinking things and upsetting myself over nothing.
A friend did tell me:
‘You shouldn’t give a f*** what I or anyone else think. However you decide to spend your time, it should not be due to public opinion. At all.’
So, if you’ll pardon his French, that did make me feel a lot better! Now to try and find some sort of focus…